A Time of Tigers - From Peasant to Emperor

Beam turned to look at her when he heard the change of tone in her voice. She turned her head away, as though embarrassed to ask him the question. "Hm? What is it?"

"Well uhm… I just wonder… Y\'know, since it wasn\'t really what we expected, and it was so dangerous and the like, and because there were so many of them… Weren\'t you scared?" Nila asked, still looking away.

In response, Beam just looked at his hand and then he showed it to Nila. "You\'re quivering..?" She said in surprise.

"Yeah, I guess so… Even though they\'ve been dealt with, it\'s hard to get the fear out of your system. I\'ll probably struggle to sleep again tonight," Beam said.

Nila breathed something that seemed like a sigh of relief. "I see… I thought you\'d make fun of me for being afraid. I don\'t really want to die yet, after all. And I don\'t want to see people get hurt either. It\'s scary."

"It is," Beam agreed. "It\'ll probably always be scary. I\'m scared every time I have to fight with the monsters. I was scared when I fought those Goblins with you. Do you remember when I shouted, calling them weak? I had to, to block out my own sense of fear."

"But then you went and you fought the Hobgoblin straight after?" Nila said, her eyes wide in surprise. "…Why? It seems like you could have run. But I don\'t know, watching you fight, I thought that maybe… maybe you enjoyed it."

Beam tilted his head at the question, as he felt his heart throb. They were words that pointed out an inconsistency in his soul, and for a moment, it alarmed him. The fear returned tenfold. The fear of failing. The fear of injury. The fear of death.

They were always there, haunting him… But then he realized something – above all that, there was an even greater fear. "Hah… I guess I\'m just scared of something else, more than I am of dying."

"Scared of something else?" Nila repeated. "Like what? What could be scarier than dying, or seeing the people you love get hurt?"

"Am I included in that?" Beam asked, recalling that she\'d continually warned him against getting hurt.

He\'d expected the question to at least make her blush, but she merely narrowed her eyes in annoyance, her expression suddenly stoney. "Stupid. I thought we were having a serious discussion.

I just don\'t like seeing people get hurt in general – I realized that seeing you get hurt, especially because of me… And I suppose, on the list of people I wouldn\'t want to get hurt, you\'re higher than a stranger."

"Just higher than a stranger?" Beam raised an eyebrow at the considerably low status, but smiled anyway. But that smile soon faded as he thought back to her initial question. He knew that something was there, something that he hinged his entire existence on, but he struggled to put it into words. "What I fear… Mm… I fear not achieving something great," he said.

"I feel like my life would be wasted without it. Like everything was for nothing."

"Something great?" Nila repeated, her eyes shone at the words, as though she resonated with them. "Like what?"

"I didn\'t know until very recently, until I met my master. I just knew it had to be something… But now I\'m thinking that I\'m going to slay the Pandora Goblin. So even though I\'m afraid of fighting these monsters here, even though my leg feels like it\'s on fire every day… I feel like I need to make progress, because when the progress comes, it feels like life is somehow worth living."

There was a moment\'s silence and immediately Beam began to feel embarrassed. He knew he hadn\'t put his feelings very well. He guessed that his feelings were also pretty embarrassing in themselves. Riddled with weakness, yet still clinging to absurd hope.

"Ah, forget I said anything," Beam said quickly, growing red. "I didn\'t say it right."

"Nah, I think I understand," Nila said quietly. "I mean, talk of slaying the Pandora Goblin… That\'s… Well, maybe… I don\'t really understand how strong it is, but to me you\'re pretty strong already and if you\'re going to get stronger… Maybe you really could. I sort of had a similarly stupid idea, but y\'know, not quite Pandora Goblin level stupid."

"You did?" Beam asked, looking up in surprise.

Nila gave a big nod. "Well, already me wanting to be a hunter is pretty dumb, right? Even you thought so – girls don\'t hunt. We don\'t have the power to draw the strongest bowstrings and we don\'t have the strength to carry them back, besides women are just weaker than men and all that… But despite that, I want to hunt. I don\'t just want to stop there though!

I want to have my own store, a huge business in the city. And I want to get enough money so that mother doesn\'t have to struggle anymore… and so Stephanie and David can grow up big and strong."

"Hah…" Beam felt warm as his mouth fell into a big smile. "You\'re a really nice person, huh?"

It was Nila\'s turn to go red. "Heh!? Where\'d you get that from what I said? It\'s a stupid, selfish dream, isn\'t it? I mean, if I was kind, I\'d be weaving with mother already – but I don\'t want to. And so I guess I\'m giving her a hard time… But I don\'t want to give up."

"You definitely shouldn\'t, not with your skills," Beam said. "I don\'t really know anything about hunting, though. Not that I really know anything about swordsmanship or the like either."

"You think..? But it seems like there isn\'t really as much money in hunting as there is in slaying monsters… But slaying monsters is pretty scary," Nila said. "I don\'t really know what to do at the moment… I feel like I\'m just wandering aimlessly, trying to get something. That\'s why, watching you, I almost feel a little jealous. And then I get sad."